My Sanity
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Cal POV. Cal thinks about what his brother means to him.


Title: My Sanity

Rating: T (PG) for language

Author: Obi the Kid

Summary: Cal POV. Cal thinks about what Niko means to him.

Disclaimer: The characters of Cal and Niko belong to Rob Thurman. I make no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

~*~

He's there.

Always there.

Watching me. Keeping me safe.

Always the protector.

The one constant I remember from childhood. Hell, he's the only thing from my screwed childhood that I want to remember.

Niko was at the ripe old age of four – on the edge of five – when he became my life. Our sorry ass excuse for a mother shoveled my bare and helpless self to him almost immediately after I was born.

How's that for a social services call? A four-year-old caring for a newborn? That type of shit just doesn't – and shouldn't - happen. But it did. And my big brother raised me like no other could have.

He schooled me. He pushed me. He taught me. He loved me. He kicked my ass when he needed too. He was my brother, father and mother all in one.

Most of all, he was my sanity.

Every abusive word that that Sofia battered me with, Niko countered it. I was never a monster to him. I'm still not, no matter what I might think and what I know lives inside of me. Niko sees the best in me, though sometimes I don't know how. I'm not the easiest person on the planet to care about. I have issues. And they're not all monster related either. Hell, I'm lazy. I'm a slob. I'm angry. Pissed off. I eat nothing but crap that's toxic for my body. God knows _I _wouldn't want to live with me.

But Niko deals with me - somehow. Although it helps that he kicks my ass around the block almost every day. Runs me into the ground. Spars me into submission. I know it's for my own good. And so far, it's worked. I'm twenty years old and still alive and sane, monster and all.

I look back though, and it's friggin' amazing that I'm as sane as I am. And I have no idea how Niko managed it. But he did. Somehow he made my twisted childhood livable.

The first time I ever saw an Auphe – or Grendel as we used to call them - it scared the shit outta me. Like nothing ever before. I was so young at the time. Five, I think. I didn't know what it was. Only that, unlike other kids, my monster wasn't hiding pretend in the closet or under the bed. It was as real as you could get and calling to me from outside the window.

After that, the true fear began. I was no longer an innocent child who didn't understand what dear sweet mommy was saying to me. Her words were alive and hunting for me on the other side of the thin walls of whatever dump we lived in at the time.

But each time I saw those haunting lava-red eyes and felt that horrifying stare from outside, I had Niko to pull me back to him. Never once did he fail to be there when I needed him. Sometimes I needed that hug. Sometimes I just needed to bury my head in his chest and feel his hand on the back of my head. Sometimes I just needed his voice. But most of all, I just needed him there. And he was.

Always.

As a seven year old, I remember running my ass home from school one day, panicked out of my mind. Niko hadn't been there waiting for me after the school day. The Grendels had gotten tired of watching me through windows and had finally acted – taking my lifeline away. I was certain they had gotten Niko. And now they were running after me. Behind me. Closing in. Then I heard the voice. It wasn't a Grendel. It was Niko. He had been the one chasing me, worried why I hadn't waited for him. Worried that I was running alone. Turns out my tormented mind was seeing those damned monsters even when they weren't there. And my thoughts had gone extreme when I hadn't seen my brother waiting at the curb like he always did.

That time, it was all in my head. The Grendels weren't behind me. Only Niko was.

I hadn't gotten the familiar whap to the back of my head that time. He saw how terrified I was when he finally got my attention and I realized I'd been running from a thought and not from any physical threat. Niko was eleven or twelve at the time, always wise beyond his years, unlike his pain in the ass younger brother. The patience he held to in order to get me through that experience was unparalleled by any human being before or since.

Once I had collected myself, we walked home together.

I didn't sleep that night. Or during the several that followed. Niko didn't either. We sat together on our shared bed. A piece of shit mattress really. But it was ours. We sat there, side by side, shoulders touching and mostly in silence. It was exactly what I needed.

It's a knack he has. Always knowing how to get me through something. A stinging whap to the back of my head. A soul-deep gray-to-gray stare. The simple pressure of his hand on my shoulder. A few quiet words. And every so often, one of those annoying bone-crushing brotherly hugs that shouldn't be talked about in public, but are sometimes so desperately craved. Damn those hugs if any of our few friends should see that happen.

I shudder at the thought, although Niko would probably just stare at me and shake his head.

I know what drives him. What has always driven him. Me. My safety. My security. My sanity. I just don't know how he's sustained it all these twenty hellish years without fail. I've never seen a stronger person in my life – human or monster. I never will.

He is my protector.

He is my sanity.

He is my brother.

END


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